Does a New Year equal a New Beginning?

It's been a while since I posted.  My family were here for Christmas and as lovely as it was I am exhausted.  It was rather strange waking up today with no R shouting mama (he's at his dads for NY) but also really lovely to be able to back to sleep.  This NY couldn't be more different to last year when I was a sobbing angry mess.  I have been invited to a dinner party which I nervously accepted. Nervously as I am not 100% sure how I will feel come the stroke of midnight but I haven't felt down for months now so hope I should be okay.

Last NY was the last time M and I were together.  A few too many drinks on my part lead to me somehow thinking everything could be okay, I could forgive.  The feeling quickly evaporated the next morning when I woke up to him nibbling my ear.  A feeling I used to love but now made me feel sick. He was pretty mad when I pushed him off and said it had been a mistake.

I entered into the NY thinking I would never trust another man again.  Well that's still a little true but - shock horror - I have been dating someone.  It's not serious but still making me smile.  Dating with a toddler is hard but J is really understanding.  I don't know if we will progress further but I am enjoying the school girl flutter I get when I see him.  I also have been offered a teaching job.  I had intended to take time off work until R went to school but it's only part time and as my bitterness towards M fades I want to rely on him financially less and less.   Him and I are in a good place in terms of being civil for our sons sake.  It's been a real effort but I am feeling excited for the future.  Looking back it was inevitable M and would have split at some point.  It's so hard to see when you are in the middle of it all.  The fact that he is still with THAT girl is actually in a way comforting.  If she is his soulmate then I wish them the best. At least he didn't destroy what we had for something meaningless.

So for me 2014 is looking up.  Fingers crossed for no more dramas :)

Revenge

It wasn't my intention to write a post about this subject. Mainly as I hang my head in shame abut how I behaved once I accepted M affair.  However, I recentley heard about a similar story to my own and it brought back that crazy side of me.  I posted some "opinions" on a twitter account to a girl who I heard was having an affair with a local girls husband. I don't even know any of the parties involved but I was furious at the thought of another betrayal.  Anyway, she reported me and my twitter account was deleted.  With hindsight, it was none of my business.

Does everyone have a crazy side? I never thought I did till M cheated.  I spent hours googling ways of hurting him/her.   I was a woman possessesed.  One night I made his favourite chilli and purposely added an extra hot chilli to it.  Or moving his car keys so he would be late for work. Immature I know.  She got it worse.  I worked out her work email address from his and bombarded her with nasty emails.  I turned up at her work and threatend her with severe consequences if she didn't stay away from M.  All along he was siding with me, telling me he regreted  her and never wanted to see her again. All whilst he was still fucking her in his car.  So what's worse? At least I was up front about my actions whilst he was lying through his teeth.  Can I also say ( and please god I know this is awful) I let down her tyres.  Anyone who doesn't know me will think I'm nuts. Really I'm not. But that was where he did it. That's where he destroyed out marriage.

Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat

In the days following me confronting M, he became the most sorrowful man.  He was romantic, went out of his way to make me feel loved. I was determined that I would make him suffer. Looking back I realise how immature I was.  I should have left.  He went out of his way to look for a new job so he wasn't near his lover.  Honestly, he was seemed genuine.

It made me think back to the lead up to our wedding.  I was packing up my car for work when a young girl approached me.  She claimed she had an affair with M.  I was so shocked I simply said okay and went back inside.  When I phoned M, he claimed the girl was a student who had developed a crush on him. He said she was maniac depressive and not to trust her. To stay safe inside.

In the following days, M told me the girl had tried to take her own life.

Looking back, I realise this was the first affair.  How that poor girl must have felt to be made out to be a liar when all along she was trying to do the right thing.

An expert of Infidelity?

My blog was supposed to me speaking about the time I found out M cheated but present day is taking priority.  People I barely know seem to be confiding in me.  At coffee yesterday, my friend Kate confided that a friend of hers had saw the husband of a couple that lives in her old estate kissing a girl at work. another sex in the car during lunch.  How many people actually have affairs during their lunch hour?  How long do these people get to eat?  The lady was in the city for an interview and isn't sure if it was a one off.

So Kate wants my advice.  The girl is on maternity leave so probably pretty vulnerable and her friend saw her husband kissing this girl in his car. Being asked my advice is so hard.  My answer could ruin someones life.  Finding out M was cheating was the most horrendous time ever, could i say tell her and know I had caused that to someone else?  If I say no, the girl will go through life not knowing she is being betrayed in the worst possible way.  The reality is most wives will side with their husband and wont believe the truth.  Husbands can be evil, lying bastards and will worm their way out.  My thought on tell or not?  Speak to the husband.  Tell him you know and he should be honest.  At the very least he might end it. Otherwise, I am sorry but despite being happy that I found out, I cannot offer advice. Well other than check your husband car regularly!!!

It is the Wife's fault he cheated right?

Today, I ventured out for coffee with a girl I used to be friendly with before I moved down South.  At the table next to us were to young girls.  One (pretty little thing about 20) was telling how her boyfriends wife had become suspicious with the regular smell of perfume on him.  They laughed and the other suggested that next time they had sex in his car, she should leave her underwear for his wife to find.  The thought of his wife finding our her husband had betrayed her in such a devastating manner amused these two girls considerably.

It made me wonder if  J had talked about me like that.  Was I ever public conversation? Was I laughed and ridiculed over coffee?  If it hadn't been for the utter shock I felt, I would have went over, sat down, and explained to them the devastation they were causing.  

Whilst trying hard not to cry as old wounds were opened,  my new friend commented on how stupid some ladies can be.  Well  I sure am stupid,  I thought she was referring to the two young ones but no! she was referring to the wife who obviously wasn't satisfying her husband.   My face flushed red, my heart was racing. Another panic attack.  When will this ever end?  Is it really my fault?   I wasn't a bad wife.  I loved my husband, we had fun together, a good sex life.  Our relationship wasn't broke.  He just decided to have sex with a colleague during his lunch break. 

A Fresh Start - In Scotland!!!

Why Scotland? Well, it wasn't just a random decision.  My parents are from Perthshire but moved down south for my dad's work when I was 7.  Most of our family still live here and I spent every summer and Christmas in Scotland.  I think my parents knew that I would take M back if he stayed in my life (they were probably right) so they suggested I come up to Scotland to finish my maternity leave.

So for the last 6 months I have sulked away in my wee cottage on my own with my son.  It's really not easy being on your own with a baby all day but most of my friends that I knew here have all gone got married and had babies.  I don't know quite how to reconnect.  How do I explain why I am back? With a baby but no husband?  My grandparents have been amazing.  I have aunts/uncles/cousins here but they all have their own lives now. Of course they try. To be fair I have been a right grump.  

Finally I fell ready to move on and plan on staying in Scotland.   I am intending on extending my time off work by 1 year and then look at teaching positions.   In the meantime, I am restarting my baby music classes. I adored holding them and really hope that it will be a way of meeting some new mums.  

And M? He is still furious I have moved away but I always said that I would never stop him seeing his son. He has him for 1 weekend a month and we can increase contact as R gets older.  Seeing R all packed up to go is heart breaking.  But what if I had stayed? M would have cheated again, why wouldn't he? He cheated from day one.  Is is healthy for a child to grow up in a house were his mother never trusts his father? I want my son to see me in a healthy stable relationship, and not grow up thinking you stick with something even if it makes you unhappy,  R  will never remember the horrible break up and for that I am thankful. 

Oh and I almost forgot, M  lives with his bit on the side now.  Good luck to her!!!!!!!!!

Acceptance

Finally, almost 4 months after I found out my darling had been unfaithful, I got angry. Why such a delay?  Looking back, I think I was in shock those 4 months. All I could think was I couldn't let my son down.  I couldn't  face the shame of admitting to all my family they were right to doubt M.  After meeting the girl, I went home and had a complete meltdown.  I screamed, I threw things, I scratched his face.  He had no idea that I had been to meet her. Once I calmed down, he wiped my tears and comforted me.  Suddenly, I didn't look at him and see a man I loved,  I saw a weak, lying, pathetic man.  He had not only betrayed me but his son.  We tried counselling but in my heart I knew I needed to leave. He admitted to me he had one night stands on stag nights, including his own, and a fling with a girl he worked with.  He loved me, none of them.  So why?  He had pretty much been cheating our whole relationship.  It was all lies.Our whole life together had been built on betrayal.  Whenever he had been extra romantic, it was guilt.

Leaving was awful.  He refused to leave the house so I went back to my parents. Almost 30 and back at home. The shame has been awful.  M  was relentless in trying to get me back and so many times I would look at my son and was so close to agreeing.  But how can I allow my son to grown up thinking its acceptable to treat people the way his father did and not expect consequences?

It was almost a year before M  admitted to me that he had fallen in love with the girl I caught him having sex with in the car.  Another betrayal.  11 months he had insisted he wasn't in love with her,  His explanation was that he was terrified of losing his son, and would have said anything to stay together for his sake.  So, at last I know I was right to leave him,  I deserve to be with someone who loves me, and is with me for that reasons and that reason alone. 

Meeting the Ogre

3 months we plodded on before I confided in a friend I really wanted to meet this girl.  I was beginning to forgive him but had a hatred for this person.  How could she get my amazing husband to cheat. What kind of woman does that!! M had become so affectionate, always telling me he loved me.  So, she agreed to meet me.  Meeting her was the best decision I ever made,  She wasn't a green ogre that I had imagined.  She was a heart broken girl who said that she fell for my husbands charm.  I asked for her version of events, which of course were different to his. Instinct told me she was telling the truth,  He had pursued her.  She showed me emails they had exchanged. That was the point I had my first ever panic attack. If he didn't have feeling for this girl, then he was had done a good job at pretending he did to her. He was a liar.

What she did was wrong but she was manipulated by him the same way I was.  It was clear from her eyes that she had fallen for him.  He must have known and still carried on.

She told me she had tried to end it when he admitted to her that he had been unfaithful to me around 7 times in the 9 years we had been together.   So that was the second person who told me he had been unfaithful before.

I had to accept that my amazing husband wasn't the man I thought he was.

I had to accept it.

Common Sense

Why it took me weeks to decide what to do I have no idea.  Watching him play with our son, cuddle me at a concert, cooking a romantic meal, people who cheat don't still do these things do they? Where would he find the time to cheat? He left for work at 7am everyday and came home at 6:30. There was no time.

My friend told me she thought I was crazy to suspect him but to be sure we would take her car into the City. If he was seeing someone it must be at work right? Driving into the City with a baby was not my idea of fun, and I so nearly changed my mind.  Thankfully, my friend wanted to visit a particular shop so I had to go. So, there we were. I watched him leave his office that Friday (I thought that would be a likely day as the wouldn't see each other at the weekend)  walk to a car park and climb in someones car.   

Well, there was my answer.  I couldn't even confront him. I went back home, packed my stuff and went to my parents to stay.  My dad called him to explain where I was.  The next day, we talked and I went home with him.  I was so in love with him and didn't think I could cope as a single mum.  Of course it was hard but he kept saying it was me he loved, he didn't care for her.  I mean we all make mistakes.  He assured me that the other rumours my friend told me about were all lies. why would he admit one and not the others? A clear minded person would realise that he was admitting to what he had been caught doing.

He went out of hs way to assure me the relationship was over.  She reacted furiously, turning up at work hysterical.  All his colleagues knew.  Then came pictures of them together posted over our street, through our neighbours letter boxes. She even turned up to a playground I was at with my baby.  Despite all this; I now know he started seeing her again within weeks.  Even after the humiliation she caused him, myself but most importantly our son.

Of course, I never knew he was back with her. He tried so hard to win me back.

So, it would take work but we get our lives back. The worst was over right? 

By heck, I was such an idiot. 

A seed was planted

My family weren't happy when I started to date M. He was older and had been married before.  But I was crazy about him, and moved in with him after a few months.  I couldn't believe my luck.  Whilst all my friend would complain about cooking and cleaning for their men, M was a domestic god,  Cooking me delicious meals to come home to (he works at home) and heart shaped pancakes for brekkie.  He was perfect. No man had ever been so affectionate with me.

Looking back, I still don't quite know how I knew he was having an affair.  I couldn't find my sunglasses and went to look in his car.  His car is only used for work so there was really no reason for them to be there but for some reason I was drawn to it.  As I checked under the passenger seat, I found an earing.  I knew it wasn't mine. When I asked him he shrugged it off as a colleague had driven to a meeting with him.  Why did the way his body froze and his face go white not warn me he was lying?  He was the perfect husband of course.  No way would he cheat.  Little things began to bug me though,  Why was he so keen to get out off his work clothes some days?  Was that perfume I smelled off him?  Why was he swinging from overly affectionate to grumpy? Or was he? Maybe it was pregnancy hormones. Since splitting with M, I have been amazed at how may woman have caught their cheating hubbies by finding the other woman's belongings in their car. I have a feeling that I will only be to happy to do the car cleaning duties in my next relationship!

When a friend mentioned that her sister had been having an affair with a married man for over a year, I made some comment about the wife must know,  She scoffed and replied like you did? Instantly she tried to back track but I forced it out of her.  She had briefly worked with my husband a few years ago, and there were apparently several work nights out  he had kissed other woman.  She had also heard he had a fling with a girl in their office. I drove home in shock.  By the time he came home I had convinced myself that it was a mistake and kept quiet.  No way could he cheat on me.

Its a little seed though isn't it?  I found myself checking his messages and found nothing.  Well that must be proof he wasn't cheating huh?  Until I realised  that one of the times I checked, I had just saw him sending a message. So why had he deleted it?

My Story

Ok, so here goes.

My friend suggested I write a blog as a way of therapy following the discovery my husband had been having an affair with a colleague.  He was caught last November when our son was barely 6 months old.  I knew instantly that I would forgive him. How could I not?  We had been together since I was only 18 & and had a little baby. We had agreed I would take time off work to care for our son.  How would I cope emotionally and financially on my own? 

The worst Christmas ever followed. Normally we go to his parents (mine never took to him) but I insisted we spent it with mine as I needed the comfort.  Despite, the fact that he had caused the pain our family he barely made an effort and sulked and complained the whole time.  We only spoke to argue.  Then came New Year, where we agreed a truce. For the sake of our son.  After all, he chose me right? He loved me not her. She was just sex.

What a fool I was.