Acceptance

Finally, almost 4 months after I found out my darling had been unfaithful, I got angry. Why such a delay?  Looking back, I think I was in shock those 4 months. All I could think was I couldn't let my son down.  I couldn't  face the shame of admitting to all my family they were right to doubt M.  After meeting the girl, I went home and had a complete meltdown.  I screamed, I threw things, I scratched his face.  He had no idea that I had been to meet her. Once I calmed down, he wiped my tears and comforted me.  Suddenly, I didn't look at him and see a man I loved,  I saw a weak, lying, pathetic man.  He had not only betrayed me but his son.  We tried counselling but in my heart I knew I needed to leave. He admitted to me he had one night stands on stag nights, including his own, and a fling with a girl he worked with.  He loved me, none of them.  So why?  He had pretty much been cheating our whole relationship.  It was all lies.Our whole life together had been built on betrayal.  Whenever he had been extra romantic, it was guilt.

Leaving was awful.  He refused to leave the house so I went back to my parents. Almost 30 and back at home. The shame has been awful.  M  was relentless in trying to get me back and so many times I would look at my son and was so close to agreeing.  But how can I allow my son to grown up thinking its acceptable to treat people the way his father did and not expect consequences?

It was almost a year before M  admitted to me that he had fallen in love with the girl I caught him having sex with in the car.  Another betrayal.  11 months he had insisted he wasn't in love with her,  His explanation was that he was terrified of losing his son, and would have said anything to stay together for his sake.  So, at last I know I was right to leave him,  I deserve to be with someone who loves me, and is with me for that reasons and that reason alone.