Does a New Year equal a New Beginning?

It's been a while since I posted.  My family were here for Christmas and as lovely as it was I am exhausted.  It was rather strange waking up today with no R shouting mama (he's at his dads for NY) but also really lovely to be able to back to sleep.  This NY couldn't be more different to last year when I was a sobbing angry mess.  I have been invited to a dinner party which I nervously accepted. Nervously as I am not 100% sure how I will feel come the stroke of midnight but I haven't felt down for months now so hope I should be okay.

Last NY was the last time M and I were together.  A few too many drinks on my part lead to me somehow thinking everything could be okay, I could forgive.  The feeling quickly evaporated the next morning when I woke up to him nibbling my ear.  A feeling I used to love but now made me feel sick. He was pretty mad when I pushed him off and said it had been a mistake.

I entered into the NY thinking I would never trust another man again.  Well that's still a little true but - shock horror - I have been dating someone.  It's not serious but still making me smile.  Dating with a toddler is hard but J is really understanding.  I don't know if we will progress further but I am enjoying the school girl flutter I get when I see him.  I also have been offered a teaching job.  I had intended to take time off work until R went to school but it's only part time and as my bitterness towards M fades I want to rely on him financially less and less.   Him and I are in a good place in terms of being civil for our sons sake.  It's been a real effort but I am feeling excited for the future.  Looking back it was inevitable M and would have split at some point.  It's so hard to see when you are in the middle of it all.  The fact that he is still with THAT girl is actually in a way comforting.  If she is his soulmate then I wish them the best. At least he didn't destroy what we had for something meaningless.

So for me 2014 is looking up.  Fingers crossed for no more dramas :)

Revenge

It wasn't my intention to write a post about this subject. Mainly as I hang my head in shame abut how I behaved once I accepted M affair.  However, I recentley heard about a similar story to my own and it brought back that crazy side of me.  I posted some "opinions" on a twitter account to a girl who I heard was having an affair with a local girls husband. I don't even know any of the parties involved but I was furious at the thought of another betrayal.  Anyway, she reported me and my twitter account was deleted.  With hindsight, it was none of my business.

Does everyone have a crazy side? I never thought I did till M cheated.  I spent hours googling ways of hurting him/her.   I was a woman possessesed.  One night I made his favourite chilli and purposely added an extra hot chilli to it.  Or moving his car keys so he would be late for work. Immature I know.  She got it worse.  I worked out her work email address from his and bombarded her with nasty emails.  I turned up at her work and threatend her with severe consequences if she didn't stay away from M.  All along he was siding with me, telling me he regreted  her and never wanted to see her again. All whilst he was still fucking her in his car.  So what's worse? At least I was up front about my actions whilst he was lying through his teeth.  Can I also say ( and please god I know this is awful) I let down her tyres.  Anyone who doesn't know me will think I'm nuts. Really I'm not. But that was where he did it. That's where he destroyed out marriage.

Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat

In the days following me confronting M, he became the most sorrowful man.  He was romantic, went out of his way to make me feel loved. I was determined that I would make him suffer. Looking back I realise how immature I was.  I should have left.  He went out of his way to look for a new job so he wasn't near his lover.  Honestly, he was seemed genuine.

It made me think back to the lead up to our wedding.  I was packing up my car for work when a young girl approached me.  She claimed she had an affair with M.  I was so shocked I simply said okay and went back inside.  When I phoned M, he claimed the girl was a student who had developed a crush on him. He said she was maniac depressive and not to trust her. To stay safe inside.

In the following days, M told me the girl had tried to take her own life.

Looking back, I realise this was the first affair.  How that poor girl must have felt to be made out to be a liar when all along she was trying to do the right thing.